two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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