I hate your face
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Someone signed my nipple.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
