Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
