Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
