do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
