I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
