He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
