Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
