Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize