don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
