i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
