Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
