if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
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I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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