I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
