I never want to see another naked old woman again.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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