My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
