I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
