we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
