if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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