Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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