The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Be still, my beating vagina.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
