my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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