you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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