My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
why do cheetos always look like penises
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
