Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
