it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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