I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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