ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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