I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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