I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
