Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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