the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Sorry my hands just texted you
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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