So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
