she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
