I'm lost and stupid without you.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
