You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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