i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Floor bacon is actually really good
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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