Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
