So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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