what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
