yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
