So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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