I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
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Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
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I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.