Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
