Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
