then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
