i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
