Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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