She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
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I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
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Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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