There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
