i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
