Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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