you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
