My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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