It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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