Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
