New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
