Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
