I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
