Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
