the condom got lost in my hair
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
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Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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