I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize